Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
