i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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