So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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