I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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