Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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