My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize