he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
