I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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