We're facebook friends in real life
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
