i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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