I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
