i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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