The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
