I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize