If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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