Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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