You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
