I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
