I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
