Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
