Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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