no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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