I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
