I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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