Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
