So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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