don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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