It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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