nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize