Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
if only i could text you this smell
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
