I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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