I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
