I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
