a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
