I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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