I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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