I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
