I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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