you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
