ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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