had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
3 2 1 whiskey
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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