I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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