he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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