i was born a porn star she said
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
