you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
