Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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