Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
