If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
