OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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