Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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