Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
