he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
