I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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