those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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