I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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